The Golden Age Of Medieval Science

Many people believe that the Middle Ages was to scientific research what Chernobyl was to environmental conservation. To dispel this myth, I have conducted extensive research during the time required for "Chain Saw Zombie Hunt XVII" to boot up on my new PlayStation2, and I have discovered there were, in fact, significant advances in science during the Middle Ages.

Here, then, is an overview of the medieval sciences which every history buff should be familiar with.

Alchemy Today, the main goals of science are to cure disease and expand the frontiers of knowledge so that we, as a species, may advance confidently into the future. In the Middle Ages the main goal of science was to turn stuff into gold. This was known as the practice of alchemy.

Alchemists believed that everything in nature was composed of various "elements," these being: iron, lead, water, smoke, straw, bacon, nuns and condiments. Each of these elements, they thought, could be transformed into gold simply by dipping it into a complicated solution of animal secretions. Understandably, the study of alchemy was abandoned early in the Middle Ages because no one could stand the smell of the laboratories, and was not resumed again until Renaissance scientists invented nose plugs.

Philosophy
The major medieval philosophical premise was that everything that happened on earth was caused by the will of God. When the crops failed, it was God's will. When the village was infested by plague-ridden rats, it was God's will. When the king and all his knights feasted on roast beef while the peasants killed each other to lick the inside of an unwashed pot of month-old gruel, well, that was God's will too. Trust us.

One of the most respected philosophers of the Middle Ages was Thomas Aquinas, who wrote Summa Logicas (Latin for "The June Wedding"). Aquinas theorized that all experience and information known to a man was (get ready for a real revelation here) learned by his own senses. Aquinas also postulated that humans gather knowledge through other avenues, such as intuition, speculation, inhalation, annihilation, and beer commercials on TV. Aquinas later became St. Thomas and moved to the Caribbean to open the world's first vacation resort.

Medicine
We take for granted today that when we have an injury or an illness, the doctor is not going to hack open a major artery or slap diseased parasites on our backs - unless, of course, we go to one of those mini-mall emergency clinics with names like "Dox R Us."

In the Middle Ages, however, such medical practices were common. You see, medieval physicians felt sickness was caused by the presence of evil spirits within the body which could only be banished by killing the patient.

Medieval physicians also thought the human body was controlled by four biles, which were (in order of disgustingness) red, white, yellow and black. Red bile, they thought, was blood, white bile was spit and phlegm, and we're not even going to get into yellow and black, if you catch my drift. Doctors of the Middle Ages believed sickness was caused by either:

A) an over abundance of one of the biles, meaning the patient needed to be "drained,"

or

B) a lack of one of the biles, meaning, God forbid, the patient would need to be "filled."

These medical practices caused many medieval persons to feel better almost immediately after having the correctional procedures explained.

By examining medieval scientific methods, we should not conclude that the people of the Middle Ages were somehow "simple" or "mentally inferior." In fact, they were downright stupid, if not totally insane, but if we are to truly appreciate the wonder of history, we must understand the one most important principle of medieval science...

Uh, sorry, you'll have to excuse me now. My video game is ready to play.

About Author

Sir Guillaume once volunteered to take part in a scientific experiment to determine the effect of repeated sword blows on the human brain, but was turned away because, as a knight, baron and count of the SCA, the scientists weren't sure he was qualified. Guillaume's column "I Didn't Expect An Inquisition" appears monthly in the SCA newsletter "The Crown Prints."